How do I deal with trauma? Over the years, it came out in many ways. When I was younger, I was very aggressive, to myself and others. Later on, the drugs took over, and while the anger subsided somewhat, my lifestyle deteriorated due to my choices. I got through this and began working consistently, which gave me purpose and helped me believe in myself. Earning my own money helped me realise its value and, in turn, my own. Then came the point after around 10 years that I felt like things were turning out really well. I got a great job in a corporate organisation, which was swiftly followed by one of the worst downturns in mental health I’d ever experienced.
When you think it’s all going well
I feel like life jumps out at us sometimes when we least expect it and often in a place where we are unable to deal with something big. That’s when it hits us. In my case, the trigger is often small. Maybe an argument at home or a promotion at work. Wait, what? How could a promotion be a trigger? I asked myself the same question when it happened to me. I couldn't get my head around how the prospect of a promotion could leave me in such despair. This set me on my most recent journey in therapy. I'd been in therapy before but without lasting success. Largely due to the fact that I wasn't yet able to comprehend what my issues were. I had a vague idea, but it was hard to really pinpoint what was affecting me. This time it was different. I was 31, and much more grown up than in previous years. I learned that it wasn't the promotion itself that I had an issue with; it was being pushed along (in a good way) to get the promotion. I'd made it such a big jump in my head and subconsciously told myself that it was something I’d have to work long and hard at to get.
I've seen this pattern in myself before. Not believing something is as easy as I'm told it is. And I know where it comes from: my stepfather. He did a great job of damaging my mind in this way. It's easy to blame someone else, but I strongly believe I'm right in this case. He'd make me do things as a child that I couldn't possibly get right. I'd wash up for hours on end, the same dishes, cups, and saucepans. 2 - 3 hours a night, in fact. Until he was satisfied I'd done it enough. Because it didn't come down to the dishes being clean; it was about the repetitive task that would slowly wear me down and break me. He wanted to break me because he hated me. He made sure to remind me frequently of his deep hatred for me. I used to hate needing the toilet when it was just us at home because, in true cowardly fashion, these things didn't happen when Mum was there. If he heard me walking up the stairs, he'd make me repeat the task over and over. 300 was his number of choice. And I did it, every time. I knew those stairs inside out, every creek and crack. He turned me into some kind of ninja, being able to move around pretty much anywhere, silently.
Although these tasks were hard, sometimes I couldn't feel my legs after all the stair climbing; or my hands would be so dry from the soap suds that they'd crack and bleed.
I was never so much affected by doing the actual thing as much as I was by always being wrong. This is what wore me down. I could make it to 113 times up and down the stairs, and he'd say, “I heard you". And the counter would reset to 0.
Don't believe yourself, you are probably wrong
To this day, my head always tells me I'm wrong, and I know I'm not the only one. Self-doubt is rife among us all. In my case, I believe two things straight off the bat:
- I'm in the wrong.
- People are trying to trick me.
These are my default mechanisms, deeply ingrained into my psyche. And I see those connections between my behaviour and what he did to me. The question is, what do I do with this information? Well, this is something I work on every day. There is no quick or easy way to break the cycle, although I'd love for that to be the case. I wish I could go back and have different experiences, feel differently about myself, and how I fit into the world. That not being possible means I can only try to change my patterns and thought processes. I dream of having a free mind, unhindered by negative past conditioning. This blog serves as yet another attempt to try and get there.
I'm trying to deal with it
So when I ask myself how I deal with trauma, I don't have a straight answer. It would be a combination of self-sabotage in order to protect myself and pushing people away. Starting a million different hobbies or projects and finishing very few of them. It would be painting, drawing, programming, photography, chess, learning guitar... the list goes on. But the thing that stays true throughout all my failures is my will to live and try. My incessant need to be a better person than I was yesterday. Through this, my personality grows, and my sense of self strengthens. The one that didn't get formed fully as a child due to suppression. This I can be proud of, and I want to be a part of a world where that's a possibility. I've known so many people that gave in to their urges and fell deep into a pit of drugs and alcohol. Self-harm or harming others. But it doesn't need to be like that. We choose who we become, no matter how painful what was done to us. We get to make the decisions in the end. We are responsible for our own paths.