Hi, I’m MavridUtt. So, you've stumbled across this site with not much on it. Strange, right? Because there’s one purpose here: I am working on myself. I have trauma, like we all do. But this is how I want to deal with mine, by displaying it here, getting it out, and working through it. My past has held me back in life, and I’m no longer prepared to let it continue. So, what will you find here? Ramblings, mostly. Mental processes, me processing what I need to. You might think it self-indulgent, but doing this in public with the freedom of being anonymous helps me to become a better person. That’s my goal.
As a child, my step-father abused me. Not physically, though sometimes I wish I had been. I wish I had scars or disfigurements so I would have something to show for what I went through. People would understand why I act the way I do. Why I don’t pursue or hold onto friendships? The bulk of what happened to me was psychological. It was systematic and brutal, and I didn’t thought it would end.
When people see me now as a young adult, they see a good-looking guy with confidence, and I worked hard to fake that over the years. But in reality, I’m nothing but than a broken child, still reeling from past events. I never dealt with any of it. For years I covered it up with drugs and alcohol because I didn’t know any other way.
Today I write this addiction-free. I’m clear-headed and well-integrated into society. Through making difficult decisions and suffering alone I made this happen. As a result, I feel better than I’ve ever felt before. Some of it comes from my life experiences, the rest from maturity, but now I’m here to tackle the big problem—the main thing holding me back and causing me issues daily. The helplessness I feel inside. How inferior I feel to everyone around me.
I don’t want to be perfect; I went through a strong ‘perfectionist’ stage before. It isn’t attainable. So this blog won’t be perfect. Maybe sometimes it won’t make sense to you. I want it that way because I want to grow. And part of my growth is accepting life for what it is. Accepting my situation mentally and physically in this world. Believing that what happened to me wasn’t my fault, and I didn’t deserve it.
If you found your way here and managed to read a bit, I hope you see something of value. And I hope it can help you in the way it helps me.